You serve on a leadership board making a tough decision about the budget. The chairperson is expressing her opinion. You really like and admire her and you would never want him to be mad at you. You have a different opinion but you’re not sure if you should share it because you really appreciate this leader and want to show your Christian love by being supportive of his ideas.
You serve on the grounds committee at church with a man who is a know-it-all. Even when it’s your week to cut the grass, he shows up to tell you where to start. It really gets on your nerves. In fact, you stay upset for two days after every encounter with him. You smile to his face because, after all, we’re all supposed to be nice and loving to each other at church, but you vent about how pushy he is to your spouse and your cat and mutter under your breath the whole time you mow the lawn.
The Education Committee is proposing a change to the structure of the Sunday school program. They’ve done a lot of research and talked with members of the congregation, listening to what others think as well as explaining why they think the changes are important to foster the spiritual growth of every one, no matter their age. A couple of families in particular didn’t like the ideas and are threatening to leave the church if the changes are implemented. Afraid of their threats, and not wanting to appear unloving towards these families, the Council decides to NOT move forward with the recommendations.
So is it love or is it fusion?
Each of the scenarios above are more like fusion than love. Instead of being connected, the people in them are reactive because they are emotionally stuck together.
The person with a different idea about the budget thinks that sharing it will jeopardize their relationship with the chairperson. The member of the grounds committee lets their anger overflow into their other relationships instead of trying to talk about it with their fellow committee member. And the Council effectively let two families “win” and the Education Committee “lose” out of fear of how the families would react.
Perhaps the best question to help you determine whether you are fused or acting out love is to imagine yourself with them in the situation in question. Do you feel handcuffed to them, or like you are holding hands?
If you feel handcuffed, it’s a good sign that you are fused in an unproductive stuck-together-ness. Fusion is not God’s Design for life or leadership. So when you think you might be fused, what should you do about it?
A great first step in trying to get unstuck is to reflect on three categories:
What is the cost of this fusion? What is the impact of being handcuffed?
What does defining yourself look like? How can you remove the handcuffs?
How will you stay connected? How will you move towards holding hands?
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